The Hazzards of Sales

MINUTES OF RECENT IONA PRESENTATION TO A STRATEGIC CUSTOMER

Yeeeehaww! Well, howdy pardner! Y’all sure are welcome to this here demo of our fine and purty product, Artix!

I am none other than Boss Hogg Lynch, the commissioner of Hazzardiona county. Sitting quietly beside me here is Sheriff Rosco P. Fynes, enforcer of the law ‘round these parts. Well, he enforces only the laws I tell him to!

Rosco, why don’t you fire up that there Artix of yours and get this show on the road?

As you can see, my friends, Artix can talk to anything and everything. It can even make sense of Deputy Enos Atkins when he starts his yappin’!

Now I know you are right now askin’ yourself, "Why would I buy from a company like IONA?"

Rosco P Fynes
"Ooooh, I'm in hot pursuit
of the deal"

Well my buddy, I’m here to tell you why. We have a world-class team. Oh boy, if you were to call on us for any problem with the product, we can solve it!

So long as those darn Duke FUSE Boys don’t go driving off in some wild lawless direction again, we’ll be able to get your bugs fixed, and pronto! That’s my guarantee to you, my friend.

As a matter of fact, I have Cooter Kulp’s phone number written down on my desk back in the county office, and all I need to do is call him up, offer him a free bowl of grits, and he’ll be coding up your fixes before you can say, "Well heck, I could have downloaded this Apache stuff for free!"

Now I’m not the only man giving you a guarantee here today. No, sir. Deputy Cletus Devens is here to give you fine gentlemen the assurance – no, the guarantee – that for your FUSE purchase price of fifty bucks, you will get 24x7 support, 100 free bug fixes, upgrades for life and Rosco’s personal mobile number just so you can call him on the weekends to complain for an hour about a typo in the manual.

Now how could you fine gentlemen turn down an offer like that? Shoot, I’d almost buy one of these Artixes myself!